I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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