I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
