Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Jerry, you need to find god
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
