Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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