So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I got inside last night via doggy door
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
