I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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