what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
