please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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