Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
