Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
