Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
