My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
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