He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
