I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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