Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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