Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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