just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
