I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
