My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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