I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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