I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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