i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
