His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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