Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
