now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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