your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What a dumb baby whore.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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