Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
