I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
