Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
