I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
