He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
