Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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