considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's always time for handjobs
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
