my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize