shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
where are my eyebrows?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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