One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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