well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
