even my farts smell like vagina
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
