Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
