Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
no you cant smoke seaweed
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
