I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This house was built for laser tag.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
