I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
