you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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