I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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