We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
