I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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