He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize