if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Someone shattered a urinal.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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