I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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