I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
