I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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