I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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