she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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