I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
