Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
