he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
