No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
