Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
