I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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