I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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